Gnome, sweet gnome?
February 25, 2010 No CommentsThe A-Z of Garden Gnomes
As a change from slurping and chomping Ernie delves into the mad, mad world of garden gnome ownership. Here’s my A-Z.
Accessorizing
The most popular accessory is a large spotty mushroom or toadstool under which gnomes can sit and party with their mates. Wishing wells and big green frogs are also well regarded. Top tip: If you buy a wishing well, site it within coin-chucking distance of passers-by but not so close that it attracts discarded chips, Coke cans and condoms.
Adoption
The correct term for garden gnome acquisition, apparently, is ‘adopt’; worth remembering if you go to a convention of gnome lovers who may be distressed should you ask “Did you buy it on Amazon?”
Britgnome
Garden gnomes were first introduced to Britain in 1847 by Sir Charles Isham, who brought 21 terracotta figures back from Germany, placing them as ornaments in the gardens of his home, Lamport Hall. Only one of the original batch of gnomes survives. ‘Lampy’ as he is known, is insured for £1,000,000.
Contemporary
Check out the collection of garden gnomes on http://store.vitaminliving.com/urban-creature-street-style-gnomes/cat_2.html
Nothing retro about these lads.
Deutschgnomes uber alles
The first garden gnomes were made in the town of Grafenroeda, Germany, in the mid 19th century by Phillip Griebel who made terracotta animals as decorations and created the gnome, based on local myths. The chunky dwarf quickly spread across Germany, into France and England and wherever gardening was a serious hobby. German gnome-crafting was brought to its knees in World War II by the might of the RAF and USAF who mounted daylight ‘seek-and-destroy’ raids to prevent Gnazi gnomes from taking over the world. Despite this, Griebel’s descendants still make gnomes and are the last firm to manufacture in Germany, all others having moved production to the Far East.
Ethnic
You can get gnomes with or without beards; gnomes reading books, gnomes riding bikes. But ethnicity in Gnomeland is largely a Gno-go area. You can get a black Santa but presumably you have to take him indoors after 12th Night.
GLF.
The Gnome Liberation Front, founded in France, whose mission is to liberate garden gnomes from captivity. The GLF often leaves a large group of gnomes somewhere with a note expressing their disgust at their inhuman working conditions. A group of gnomes was once hung in a “mass suicide” with a note saying they could no longer cope with the cruel world. The activities of the GLF are said to have focussed the attention of French intellectuals on the human condition. French intellectuals should get a life.
Gname that gnome
Poles call them by the familiar ‘gnom’. In Hawaii, they are referred to as ‘menehuenes’. In Hungary and the Czech Republic, gnomes are called ‘mano.’
Bulgaria and Albania use ‘dudje’ - could this be the origin of ‘dude’?
Leprechauns
Celtic clone of the garden gnome usually discretely hidden in the rear gardens of middle class homes in the ‘Ranelagh gaeltacht’. Invariably, like their owners’ kids, they bear names like Oisin and Fionn.
Lookalikes
Stick a beard on George Bush and you have the prototypical garden gnome. Other popular doppelgangers include Abe Lincoln, Jackie Healy-Rae and Paolo Tullio.
Megacool
The ultimate in gnome chic would be a garden consisting of an Astroturf lawn and plastic shrubbery peopled by human gnomes. But – be warned! This desirable scenario would cost megabucks bearing in mind that dwarves legitimately employed to hang about in gardens are entitled to the national minimum wage, not to mention holiday and sickness pay.
Movies
Possibly the most boring foreign language movie ever made, Amelie (2001) bestowed a brief frisson of garden credibility on French owners (sorry, I meant ‘parents’) of garden gnomes.
Priapus
Early precursor of the garden gnome, Priapus was a minor rustic Greek fertility god with an unfeasibly large set of wedding tackle. Sculptures of Priapus with penis upstanding were placed in gardens and fields to guarantee an abundant crop. The Romans used his statue as a scarecrow and his massive erection was also thought to frighten thieves. Latter day representations of Priapus abound in Foxrock gardens, not as a deterrent against burglary but as a protest by frustrated housewives against their husbands’ inadequacy.
Sex
Hetero gnomes do not have much of a sex life as 97 per cent of them, according to a recent unofficial census, are male.
Size
Gnomes are available in small, medium, large and even extra large sizes. Though why one anyone should want an outsize dwarf defies all reason.
Spoilsports
Gnomes have become controversial in serious gardening circles and are banned from the prestigious Chelsea flower show as the organisers claim that they detract from the garden designs. Snobs!
Tradition
Traditional gnomes are made from a terracotta clay slurry poured into moulds. The gnome is removed from the mould, allowed to dry, and then kiln-fired until hard. Once cooled the gnome is painted before sale. Most modern gnomes are made from plastic or glass fibre.
Ziggy
Although, many gnomes play instruments ranging from piano to tuba they haven’t made much of an impact on the music scene, preferring to leave it to David Bowie. The Laughing Gnome was first released in 1967, when Bowie was desperately trying to find a commercial breakthrough. The ‘gnome’ was Bowie himself, voice tweaked by his studio engineer into a high-pitched titter dishing out a gruesome set of puns on the word ‘gnome’. It wasn’t until 1973, when the song was re-released, that it became a hit. By then Bowie had already made his mark with The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and Spiders from Mars. The Laughing Gnome reached number 6 in the UK charts and rival glam prince Marc Bolan was sooo jealous!
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